I’ve been to Bluffton, SC and it’s nice. Small town feel, nice people. Really nice people as it turns out. A recent issue of Good Magazine highlighted a “pay it forward” story from there.

It all started two years ago at Corner Perk, a small, locally owned coffee shop, when a customer…left $100 extra…to pay for everyone who ordered after her until the money ran out…The woman has returned to leave other large donations every two to three months.

It took a while, but word has started to spread around the tiny coastal town, home to about 12,000 people. Now, more and more customers have been leaving money to pay for others’ food and drink. Cooke says some people don’t even buy anything when they come in; they just stop to donate and head right back out.

Seems like it might be good for business at the coffee shop, too. I admit I might stop in every now and then just to see if I hit it lucky. The story does have me thinking, though, about my tendency to over think (ironic, I know) even with things like charity. I sometimes feel the need to research charitable organizations, compare their missions, figure out exactly how donations are spent. Embarrassingly, I end up stifling my own giving in the process.

Once when I was much younger I bought a (very) used car. One of my first. I pulled in to the gas station and realized I didn’t know which side of the car the gas tank was on. I probably repositioned the car or did something to make it obvious this was a recent purchase. Either that or it was the rusty car combined with my youth that gave someone an idea. I remember being completely shocked when the clerk said my gas had been paid anonymously. I was incredulous. I asked him to repeat what he said and questioned who did it. “They’re already gone,” he said. It’s been more than 20 years since that happened and I still remember it. I wonder how many “planned” donations make that kind of impact.

Paying for a cup of coffee, a first tank of gas, or any number of things may seem like small gestures. But they could change someone’s day. Or even more.

Image by gmayster01 via Flickr

In Pico Iyer’s “The Joy of Quiet” published in the New York Times, he states:

The urgency of slowing down — to find the time and space to think — is nothing new, of course, and wiser souls have always reminded us that the more attention we pay to the moment, the less time and energy we have to place it in some larger context….the French philosopher Blaise Pascal famously remarked that all of man’s problems come from his inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Over the holidays, I had time off and chose not to schedule much.  Unstructured time…what a luxury. Or is it? My natural tendency is not to indulge too long. After all, work, goals, plans, lists, these are the things of a productive and worthy person. And yet, as I slept according to my body’s clock not the alarm clock I felt rested and restored. I exercised at different times of the day and captured the best weather and opportunities to join friends. I lounged on the couch without time boundaries which provided space to reflect on the past, consider the future, share time with my husband, and gain insights that may shape a better 2012.

Today we picked out a movie at Blockbuster and because of a plan we’re on the movie has no return date. The clerk was cheerful and after ringing us up said, “There you go, return it when you’re happy.” I paused. Return it when you’re happy. The power of not living by deadlines. Return when you’re happy. I go back to work tomorrow. And after my slow vacation…that’s exactly what I’ll do.

She got up, leaving her purse and coat at the table where her herbal tea was steeping. I  suddenly felt protective of her things. Not that anyone was within reach of her purse, but she was here alone after all. There was nobody for her to say, “Could you watch this a minute?” A luxury I have often.

She came back shortly with the local paper thick with Sunday ads. I had a sudden urge to also read the paper over coffee and was deciding whether I wanted to get one too when she looked our way and said, “You can share the paper with me if you like.” And then she looked at my husband and said with a smile, “but I have the sports section.”

After thanking her and saying the sports section wasn’t his favorite part, I took the front page and handed my husband the arts and living page. We were all quiet a minute and then she said something about making assumptions that he would want the sports section. “I like arts, too,” she said. “I smiled and said not to worry. People have made plenty of assumptions about us, meaning women, though I’m not sure if it was clear. She smiled. Such a simple gesture, sharing the paper. And yet so rare.

I wish we’d have continued engaging with her but the paper called and we were each engrossed in our sections. And then the food came and everyone knows it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full. Mostly, though, I was just finding my way out of the box I was in. A little scrooge-like, resistant to reaching out but now greatly intrigued.

As she was ripping out a coupon I untied my tongue and asked, “Are you all ready for Christmas?” And that was all it took. We learned that she had lived here in the 60′s and 70′s. She moved back over six years ago from Virginia after leaving her husband, a very popular doctor there which apparently meant she lost the majority of her friends. Her grown children live 3 or more hours away and said she is getting used to them not being nearby. Clearly dealing with issues of aging and major life transitions, she was interesting and I could had kept talking but our bills came cueing us to leave.

“You can take the paper if you want,” she said. “I’m done with it.” Like the breakfast she ordered and only ate part of, the paper was simply a method of connecting with the world. And the fortunate diner at the next table.

I’ve had many Christmases like that. There are good moments…and lots of stress. Our commitment to simplify has encompassed Christmas in the last few years. Cutting back on activities, expenses, the number of gifts, etc. This year, our (adult) children agreed to not exchange gifts. Instead, we will have an experience together (yet to be determined). I love the simplicity of that plan, made even sweeter by the promise of time together and shared memories. We have a few decorations in our house but no tree (which I could never quite reconcile anyway given my reverence for nature). Since we’re all complaining about weight, there’s on pressure to make cookies. And I gave up Christmas cards years ago when the stress of meeting my own expectations outweighed the joy. Instead, I’m seeking other ways to embrace the season. Holiday music played anytime. Treating a friend to coffee. Attending (only one or two) seasonal events (like neighborhood caroling or a musical meditation at church). It leaves time for reflection, restoration and gratitude. Space to be both humbled and inspired by the meaning of the celebration. And a calmer entry into the new year.

Today, my husband and I are having our coffee in a quiet house. He’s reading, I’m writing. I feel connected to him by a level of comfort where questions don’t need to be asked and conversation can wait (perhaps only women can appreciate this…as most men I know don’t have a problem with silence or less conversation). It’s like sitting in the sun on a winter’s day. Especially during the holiday season, finding such moments can be tough. Yet if this morning is any clue, it will be worth the effort.

Still, especially today on Thanksgiving, I am thankful for aging. (As they say, it’s better than the alternative.) With time and experience I have learned to worry less (even with knowledge enough to worry more), love more deeply (despite past betrayals), decipher choices faster and be more content (even with a history of mistakes and regrets). And then there are unexpected benefits. As eyesight fades, wrinkles aren’t as noticeable. Dulled hearing conceals snide remarks and snoring. And, it’s easier to take risks. If it doesn’t work out, I won’t remember anyway. Here’s to getting old!

“Funny,” I thought. “He doesn’t hear the dog farting or drinking out of the toilet, the windshield wipers on a dry windshield or a turn signal left on too long.” But I knew it was more than the difference between which noises we each notice. It was the need to feel in-sync. I sat down.

Last week  while on a plane I was talking to an older woman seated next to me who was headed to Rome. During the course of the conversation I asked if her husband was going also. “No,” she said. “He’s not able to travel anymore.” She proceeded to tell me that he encouraged her to go and that they’d been married 37 years.

“That’s great,” I said.

And then she said, “Yes. Every year on our anniversary we go out to dinner and make a toast. We say, “Let’s try to make it another year,” she laughed. “I think that’s all anyone can do.”

That…and maybe multi-task less often.

I am about a decade behind Jobs in years and a lifetime behind him in innovation and making a mark on the world. I often think there’s still a lot of time to live dreams, discover new interests, create. Clearly, there are no guarantees. A former boss of mine used to say, “It’s not the years in your life, but the life in your years that matter.” That may be, but still, 56 is too young. This just reminds me again to appreciate each day, love deeply and live boldly.

It’s unbelievable how much you don’t know about the game you’ve been playing your whole life.

This quote, attributed to Mickey Mantle, begins the movie Moneyball. The movie is primarily about the business of baseball and the Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane’s willingness to risk changing the “rules” for the way to scout players. But look behind the stadiums, locker rooms, uniforms and ball gloves and life analogies abound.

It’s really easy to keep doing things the same way and be frustrated by the lack of results, especially when “the system” is unfair. In the movie, the Oakland A’s were playing against teams with vastly more resources to recruit and support players. And yet they were expected to perform competitively. Whenever the A’s would get a “star” performer, he would be recruited by a wealthier team.  And so, Beane realized he couldn’t use the same scouting methods and succeed. He had to think of another angle.

Fortunately, he met a young Yale grad who majored in economics and hooked into sabermetrics, a way of using stats to analyze a player’s “value”. The usual characteristics identified as desirable had to be set aside in order for sabermetrics to  work. The “good ole’ boys” didn’t like it. But the new system helped Beane identify value in a player that other teams were overlooking. And that was critical.

According to an article in Business Insider, the new formula was about

…leveling the playing field in a lopsided game. And it is about improving the odds of a team that is playing with the deck stacked against them.

What “value” am I overlooking that could unstack the deck? I’m thinking it’s unbelievable how much I don’t know about this game I’ve been playing my whole life.