This past weekend I did something I’ve avoided for years. I cleaned out my email. Sounds boring, I know, but it was a little like an archaeological dig into my past. I had created a lot of folders by categories over the years. So many, in fact, that scrolling through them was excruciatingly slow. It was time to simplify, like in many other areas of my life.

Cleaning these folders reminded me that I am constantly reshaping myself, maybe still trying to figure out who I am. I have so many ideas about things I want to do, places I should go, and skills I should learn. And as I get older, I’m also sorting out what there’s still time to pursue and which ships have left the harbor (I hate that). I went though dozens of email folders and began to laugh. I opened a folder titled “shop” and there was nothing in it. Did I run out of money or forget what I was doing?

I had folders about all kinds of things, like pet adoption websites, even though we already had a dog. And like new condo units even though we already had a house. One was “subscriptions” to several enewsletters that would make me healthier, wiser or richer, (but I didn’t recognize the names, so I must not have read them) and another was for a yahoo group for local dog owners I never connected with. One folder was created to collect research on how to compost (don’t ask how that went) and another was started when I thought I might be a mystery shopper (yeah). I found a folder for a job I pursued briefly and another for “college scholarships,” surely set up when all four of us were searching for tuition money. (I was happy to delete that one.)

The best part was how easily I made decisions and that most of the time I deleted. There was something very cathartic about remembering the ideas behind each folder and then letting them go. There was a time when finding evidence of a past idea would have plunged me back into the decision sea again, wondering if I was a failure for not having mastered the knowledge, skill or carried through to completion whatever I was working on. But, I didn’t struggle with that this time, not at all. In fact, I believe there’s no failure in half-explored ideas. There’s no need to feel a sense of wasted time in having considered something, a career, hobby or whatever to any level only to realize it wasn’t for you.

Thomas Edison tried many ideas and failed many times. Yet he is quoted as having said these were not failures at all. In fact, for every time he discovered what didn’t work he was that much closer to finding out what did. And I believe that’s true when inventing oneself as well. Whether sorting through email folders or past experiences and decisions, there comes a time to simply let things go and realize it was part of the process of discovering your unique self. And every new idea brings us a better understanding of who that is. I hope in a few years I’m weeding through my email folders again…for that will mean I’m still open to exploring.

I just finished reading the book “A Pearl in the Storm.” It’s a memoir by Tori Murden McClure about how she challenged her internal war against helplessness by putting herself in the hands of the volatile Atlantic Ocean, by herself, in a rowboat. It was a physical, mental and emotional challenge larger than anything I feel capable of facing. She is an impressive person, to say the least. According to the book, her firsts include being the first woman to row solo across the Atlantic and to ski overland to the South Pole. She has an AB from Smith College, a Master’s in Divinity from Harvard University, a JD from the University of Louisville School of Law, and an MFA in Writing from Spalding University. She has worked with the homeless, troubled youth, as a chaplain at Boston City Hospital and for Muhammad Ali at the Muhammad Ali Center in Louisville, Kentucky.

Tori is only two years older than me. I look at her journey and it is so different than mine. She has achieved more education, had far more unique experiences, been in the trenches with those most in need. Her childhood was more challenging than mine, and yet she overcame it with grace enough to examine her life deeply and write a book about it. I’ve never rowed anything more than a fishing boat on a calm lake,  never skied more than once or twice down a bunny hill, and didn’t earn multiple degrees in differing fields. In fact, it took me awhile to finish college. I was 30 when I finished my BA and 41 for my MA. Tori is a self-described introvert who avoids crowds. I need to be around people..it’s how I am energized.

What I love about her book is how she overcomes her battle with helplessness, not by conquering all, but by realizing a deep truth. She states “I am a human being. It is our brokenness, our helplessness, which makes us human. The only thing that makes our humanity bearable is love.” Ah…now I can relate and even relax. For while I’ve never conquered new territory, I know a lot of love. My two grown children, my husband,  our parents, friends, co-workers…they all care deeply as I do for them. This I can stand on firmly as a foundation to the rest of my life. And there’s still time for adventure. You won’t find me rowing across the ocean but I will stay challenged to stretch beyond my comfort zone and see new horizons.

Ideas…easy. Changing habits…not so much. Two weeks ago I said I’d track my trips in an effort to reduce car driving. I proceeded to rush on through life without changing or tracking anything, until today. Today, I looked back over five days and wrote down the trips I made. Turns out, I was in the car  for seven round trips. (Is that more or less than average?) And did I need to be in the car for all of them?

• 3 trips could have been better planned (choosing different destinations that were within walking distance or providing more time for taking the bus) to avoid driving.
• 1 trip was taking my dog to meet a friend so we could run together. Impossible to change unless I ran in my own neighborhood without her or left my dog at home and biked to her house. More than likely, with those options, I’d have stayed in bed for extra sleep. This is where convictions collide…exercise or reduced footprint?
• 1 trip was with friends with our four bikes traveling together in one car…pretty efficient so that’s good and necessary because the alternative would have been to bike three miles to catch a bus for a 2-hour ride (instead of a 20-30 minute car ride) one way. I’d rather stay home and eat donuts (and I hate donuts).
• The last 2 trips were social outings. I looked up the public transportation options. They are very limited on the weekends when I need them most (since I walk to work). For these trips, we would have been on the bus from 2 – 3 hours (one way) with transfers and walking or biking an extra 1.55 to 2.42 miles just to get from point A to point B. By car, these trips took 20-30 minutes.

So…going car-less isn’t in my immediate future…but I can go car-light. I could have easily cut my car trips by almost half with better planning. And I can consolidate more trips as well. Long term changes will require advocating for better public transportation options and improved walking and biking facilities. Which I need to do…even though it’s hard work. I feel great empathy for those who have no choice but to deal with the inefficiencies of public transportation and hostile walking and biking environments. And for many, weekends and holidays (like on this Labor Day) when services are even more reduced create greater challenges in getting to work. This is why testing the options and getting involved is so important. May God grant me the courage to really do it.

Today, I rode my bike 11 miles after riding only 5 miles total in more than a year. My normal mode would have been to over think things, and I wouldn’t have ridden at all. You know…what if the group is faster than I am (they were). I don’t really have the right bike (I rode my mountain bike while everyone else had skinny little road bikes). I’m not ready for hills (and I never really will be…but gearing down to tricycle speed, I made it up the hills). It was fun…because that was my only goal.

If you’ve read my blog at all, you know I’m working on  changing the ingrained scripts in my head about what is a successful, happy life. I’m trying to live more simply and experientially. And along with that comes a reexamination of goal-setting. Like Swingset, I’ve re-committed to writing and exercising regularly. And doing less of other things, in my case, owning and maintaining things. Most of my life (and I still struggle with this) my goal(s) were too high. Partially because I’m interested in a lot of things and partially because of lifelong messages about what is a disciplined, responsible, and thoughtful person. Write 10 pages every day. Run 4 times/week and strength train 3 times/week and do a little cross-training (bicycle, yoga, swim). And spend time in reflection/prayer/mediation daily. Read more…novels and nonfiction. Keep up with the latest research in my field. Be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend. Send more birthday cards. And when I didn’t succeed (and I never lived up to my “ideals”), I’d wrestle with disappointment.

And now, for the second half.  I’ve decided that living a happier life means being gentler on myself. I’d never be as hard on others as I am on myself. So when I started running three years ago, I decided this would not be another area in my life driven by hard goals. The only goal is to actually do it. Distance, time, events…all negotiable and less important than the fact that I’m actually running. And it wouldn’t be possible without social support, not for me. So I’m thankful that I’ve had friends who also want running to be about friendship, feeling better, having fun…not grueling workouts and competitive comparisons. As I was running with a friend one day I said,”We need a name for women like us who are happy to adjust to whatever is needed, so long as we’re doing it.” She said, “We’re called, laid back.” I smiled. That’s not something I’ve been called much in my life…just ask my husband. Maybe there’s hope for this new lifestyle.

In our marriage we’ve had at least seven different yards. Seemed like the thing to do when raising children. With every new move, we made room first for a swing set, then a trampoline, later we added a hot tub which we loved and we always had a firepit to roast marshmellows and unwind on cool nights. It was what everyone did. Is this common nationally or just a midwestern thing? I don’t know but we followed the trend and had some private outdoor space wherever we settled. And as much as possible, I planted a small garden. It was never an obsessive hobby, but I grew up with fresh tomatoes from my dad’s garden and I’ve always loved growing a few vegetables every summer.

Now, living in an apartment with only a balcony for private outdoor space, I’m experimenting with options. Can’t figure out how to have a fire pit, but I planted a tomato, some basil, spearmint and thyme in a pot on my balcony. I’m sure I started too late. I bought my plants in June but didn’t actually pot them until early July. That may have been part of it. But my balcony has a lot of shade and the tomato plant is starting to die after only a dozen or so cherry tomatoes have ripened. So…on to plan B.

I’m thinking about asking our apartment managers if they’d consider starting a resident community garden here next spring. I’ve never been involved in a community garden effort, but I’ve read a lot about them and I imagine I’m not the only apartment dweller who’d like to grow some plants. Community gardening makes a lot of sense. It’s sharing resources, sharing tools, sharing knowledge and the collective satisfaction of harvesting the fruits of our labor. I ‘m also thinking about connecting with a local group working through borrowed and donated garden space to reduce food insecurities in this community. Maybe we could grow extra rows for this group!

If anyone’s ever successfully approached an apartment complex in this way, I’d love to hear about it! I love the idea of it. I don’t have to mow or maintain a yard, but could gain some of the benefits yards offer. I’ll let you know how it works out.

“It’s not about stuff,” she said through tears. “He never talked about stuff in the end.”

I ran into an old friend at a conference last week . Sadly, she experienced the death of her husband since I’d moved away. Yet she is strong and is finding her way through a darkness nobody wants to navigate. I was happy to see her and connect again. Her comment continues to stay with me confirming what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

At midlife, I’ve tallied what has and has not been accomplished, how much has or has not been made and struggled not to be disappointed with the sum. When I was younger, I thought 40 was a long way off and by then I’d be at the top of my career game, own at least one home and be well on my way to a healthy retirement. Life has a way of throwing curve balls and time is elusive. Suddenly, I’m here and the picture is far different than I imagined. Not in every way. I love my job and have a strong marriage. My children continue to make me proud. But as for considerable assets, let’s just say Bill Gates would not be impressed.

And frankly, unless something weird happens, I don’t expect to be independently wealthy in my lifetime. So, I have been thinking about what is most important to be sure the next 40 years is exciting and fulfilling. I want to collect experiences, see more places and deepen relationships. And frankly, stuff gets in the way of that.  So, I’m challenging myself to see how much I can lose in order to gain what’s most important. My friend is right. Less is more and time is our greatest currency. Let’s not waste it on stuff.

I visited a friend in Portland, Oregon, after a conference last week and was impressed that she and her husband have decided to go carless. They only have one car. She bikes a few miles to her work everyday and he works from home. She has found a local grocery store who delivers for $10…way cool. And they have a Zipcar option nearby for very short term needs, like hauling mulch for the garden. They’ve considered where their friends live and in many cases could get there by bus or by bike. They’ve figured out how much money they’d save, even if they rented a car once a week. They’re ready to try it. In answer to the skeptics who fear they’ll hate it, they say, “If it doesn’t work, we’ll buy a car again.” So big deal, the decision is pretty much risk-free. I’m really proud and a little jealous of them. It’s making me think more about our options. We already made the leap to one car and I love that. I walk to work everyday and my husband essentially works from home, so one works great and it might be possible to go cold turkey. We have good public transportation, but not on the weekends. Still, I find myself hesitant, at least until my daughter graduates from college. She doesn’t have a car and we get together a lot, often because we have one. And there are other reasons. I take my dog different places which would be hard if not impossible without a car. Yet, I know I often don’t realize my options until forced to find them, so I may keep a log of our trips and think more critically. Or maybe I’ll try a car-free week or month and see if what happens. Why? Because it’d save money and be one less thing to maintain. Because having a car makes it too easy to use and less driving is better for the environment. And even if I find the timing isn’t right to go carless just yet, I’ll perhaps make better decisions about when to drive as a result.

Last night I was sitting with friends in Oregon around their backyard fire pit, relaxing in a comfortable patio chair with my bare feet soaking in the heat and my body relaxing into the warmth radiating from the circle. I love fires. I love watching the ever changing patterns of the flames and hearing the wood crackle, shift and spark. And I realized how much I miss that now. I’ve already talked in previous blogs about how I’m enjoying the absence of some of the duties and habits of homeownership. I still don’t miss the lawn mowing or home repair projects. But how I do miss the outdoor fires, sitting into the late night hours feeding wood, talking, gazing at the night sky and feeling my body completely relax. It is one of my favorite things to do. Maybe I’ll have to take up camping.

I had a friend visit me from Michigan not long ago. She said, “This place is like a vacation spot.” I thought maybe she was simply in vacation mode. But, this weekend I felt like that too, and I wasn’t on vacation. We ate at a restaurant we’d never tried before called Margaret’s Cantina which was fabulous and one of those experiences where if you were on vacation you’d say, “If we lived here, I’d eat here every day!” even though you know life doesn’t work that way. We saw a couple of movies, ate brunch at our favorite brunch place, listened to some live music at a very cool cafe tucked in the woods and layed out in the sun by the pool! We spent time with good friends and our daughter and I enjoyed running through Duke Forest. And truth be told, there was something better about this than vacation. We found most of these places over time and knew we were choosing our top picks. I’ve been on many vacations where you throw a dart and hope to hit a bullseye, but often don’t. We enjoyed the company of people we truly enjoy. And while it can be fun to meet new people while traveling, it’s nice to be with people who don’t need to start the conversation with, “so…what do you do?” And best of all, I don’t have travel fatigue now on Monday morning. What a deal.

Why is it so difficult to do even the things we really want to do? I want to write. I’ve been writing and/or talking about writing since I can remember. My undergraduate degree is in professional writing. I was excited when I started this blog that I was “getting back into writing.” Yet it’s been well over a month since my last posting and it’s not because I’m working on a novel. And knowing what I know about blogs…that’s a death sentence. I keep thinking I need more of a focus but I don’t exactly have that so I procrastinate. And clearly I need to post more often. And, apparently, shorter. That’s what the “universe” keeps telling me. So I’m breaking the mold I formed when I started this blog. This one has no core story, message, point. It’s not very long. But it’s me, jumping back in the water to try and get things rolling. Let me know if you have a good idea for my next blog